Thursday, February 28, 2008

Essence

This is such a blank feeling. When you really want to write, but you can’t. There are so many different thoughts and emotions in my head right now, all whirling around, overlapping, mixing, colliding, contorting, screaming. Music is my soul.
Today, I thought of all the things I am passionate about. Music tops the list, then there’s writing and dancing and playing sports – I enjoy basketball in particular. As I read somewhere, dance is music made visible. A sport is dancing to the music of your heartbeat and to the throb of that adrenalin rush. It’s that numb feeling before kickoff, it’s the peak when the sweat is dripping and the blood is pumping. It is the muffled sound of the cheers that make their way to your ears across the niosy wind of your speed. It is the last lap of tired muscles, and it is the sweet pain of a groaning body. It is the breathlessness of the same sort as the drumbeat or the chord struck on the guitar and the final pose, held for ten seconds before the bow.
It is the flow of words, dripping of music, blinking of a step and jump and heartbeat of a shot. There are so many parts of me, but they are all one. I am many, but I am one. It is one heart that beats to the beat of the drum, at the same pace as breathless running, fluid expression and my ink stained fingers.
It is the love I have for my dog, my family and my friends. It is the tightness in my chest of the wounds of somebody else. It is the cynical me turning soft. The sadistic me turning pale with worry. It is the unbeaten me turning white with fear. It is spinning colours, muffled heartbeats, throbbing brain cells, aching fingers, burning muscles, hypnotic state. It is all me. I am one, but I am many.
How can I describe the thing I have become, changed into; and at the same time contain who I was, peeking now and then and getting fresh air today and the day after tomorrow? I live with not just me, but me as well. And with me. I am many, but I am one.
My eyes are seeing, my skin is feeling, my ears are hearing, my nose is smelling. I am breathing and I am holding my breath. I am dead but I am alive, I love life and I want to die, I am stone, but I cry, I am peaceful and I am violent, I am high and I am sober, I am open and reserved, I am walled up and talkitive, I am friendly and I don’t care, I eat, I starve, I am born and I am gone.
I am modern and I am traditional, I am in control and out of focus, I love me and I hate me, I am confident and fearful, I am the hunter and the prey, I capture and I lose, I fight and I am the peacemaker, I have values and I’m flexible, I am rigid but I’m graceful, I am man and I’m woman, I am star, I am dust, I am tech savvy, I hate technology at its levels of advancement, I admire the ship and the plane, I don’t want to build them, I can fly and I’m like an Ostrich, I am loving and my words sting, I am fair and I strike when I’m hurt, I am docile and dangerous, I am hot and I’m frozen, I admire and I envy, I like who I am and I want to be somebody else, I am multitalented and I’m useless, I am heavy and I’m silly, I am progressive and backward, I am insane and sane, I am thirsty and I share, I am energetic and lazy, I am loved and I’m alone, I’m awake and I’m asleep, I am thinking but I’m blank, I’m a seductress and I’m shy, I can stand alone, and I want those arms around me, I am passionate, and I’m plain.
I am angry and forgiving, I am loud, and silenced, I am assertive and I succumb, I am this and I am that. I am powerful and I am weak.
I am one, but I am many.

3 comments:

Swathi said...

wow.
:)

Sasidhar said...

you're. Crazy!

Anu said...

It just awesome! very very well written.

 
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