There was a time

There was a time
When I could speak my mind
Say what I wanted, how I wanted
Knowing in my heart
That you wouldn't mind
That you would forgive me
If I said something wrong

Today I think twice before I speak
And when I say some things out loud
I wonder, should I not have said them
Did I hurt you?
Will you understand, forgive?
I always worry.
And I never get it right.

Today, I wonder, is there a barrier?
We share less, we meet less
We understand less of each other
We are too formal sometimes
A little uncomfortable

You still are close to my heart
I still care for you deeply
Although I show it very differently
I still hope you understand
I know you still care for me
And I know we are still friends.

Lecherous Eyes.

Lecherous eyes. They stare, they stare
No matter where I go
No matter what I wear
Unblinking, they follow, they follow.

If I retaliate, I provoke
Call to their anger
Until they'd make me choke
So I cower and away in fear.

Lecherous eyes. They stare, they stare
Now, no matter who I'm with
No matter if we glare.
Their minds are full of filth.

I want to escape,
Take cover under a law
Lest it lead to rape
Or, on me, feeling their dirty paw.

Lecherous eyes. They stare, they stare
No matter where I go
No matter what I wear
Unblinking, they follow, they follow.

Back To The Music

Yes, it's been a while since I listened my soul away to some good music. Pandora came to my rescue, and also a few good restaurants and bars in San Fran. I feed and grow on good music, I do. I know classic rock may be old school (ha - did you see what I just did there?) and adult alternative rock may be fading glory (it's so '80s-'90s, huh?) but I still relate to that kind of music most, know all the songs and sing along, particularly in an inebriated state. It's pretty fun, as you may all agree, more so if you've been out drinking with me.

So it's a new journey to new destinations with those sounds to soothe the ear and melt the heart.

Picture-taking

I like taking pictures. It's a lot of fun. I remember taking pictures in college, borrowing Gol's fancy camera to take photos so I could enter a photography competition. :) In the end I didn't enter the competition, but my friends wanted me to make a calendar of my photos. That didn't happen either.

Many years later:

A touch of inspiration and I've finally ventured out into the open with a few pictures. Nothing fancy, mind you. Just pictures. These have no people in them, and I start with this album because the pictures in it were taken at a breathtakingly beautiful forest, home to leopards right near Hyderabad. They were taken one misty morning in January when we drove to Narsapur forest. As the lingering mist melted to greet the sun, so did it reveal the colours of nature...

Hope you enjoy it! Keep an eye out for more! :)

Happiness?

Context: Debate with a friend on what happiness really is.

Cherry:

Happiness - what is it?
Some days, you're just low, how do you explain that? Or frustrated? Sure, happiness is in your hands, but don't the same things that make you happy sometimes also frustrate you at other times? Aren't there some things in your life that you wish were different? Some changes that you want to bring about? So when you answer 'Yes, I'm happy', isn't it because you choose to look at the things that make you happy and ignore other slight blemishes, if any? If you are happy with some of the BIG things in life that matter most to you, well, then, that's all you're going to look at :)

Me:

So one day I called my father and said, "Father! I'm completely devoid of motivation right now. I don't want to work! Do something. Give motivational speech!" :)

And so Daddy dearest says; "I don't know about motivational speech, but I'll tell you something I've learnt from my X years of work experience." We stopped to gawk and gasp at how many years of work experience he had had. Then he said, "No matter what it is you do as your work, you're compromising something. Either you don't love your work, but you're happy with all the things that doing "that work" allows you to do, or you love your work and you don't lead a luxurious life. Very few people can strike a pot of gold and get both. The thing is though, there are times that, with the very same thing, you will get frustrated, whatever the case be. You're bored with it, you find it monotonous, you find it irritating at one point, and yet at another point, you are thankful to have it. So, the best way to motivate yourself may be to look at all the good things you're getting out of your job. You thoroughly enjoy the trips that you're able to afford thanks to this job, right? So, it's giving you something you love. Now, choose whether this motivates you enough to work or not."

Magic words.

Putting that in theory, since happiness is a dynamic emotion, the same things can make you happy at one point and at other points, make you unhappy. That's either because you compare and measure the thing that made you happy to different things at different points or you look at it differently as you gain a different perspective each day. (Or you're just really moody :P).

Also, the grass is always greener on the other side. ALWAYS. Which is the biggest reason for unhappiness. And sure, you may wish that some things were different. But it also holds true that people fight for and get what they want if they want it badly enough - they go make the change they'd been wishing for. If you haven't fought to get it, then you're stuck looking at greener pastures. Deal with that, 'cause it's the choice you made. And well, the ability to compare really stabs happiness in the back sometimes, doesn't it? :)

Haven't had such random, yet exhilarating discussions in a while, so thought this deserves to be here!

That Control Plus F !

Irrelevant fact: I've made it a mission to read the newspaper everyday; even though my powers of retention may be questionable of late, so if you quiz me on the news, I'll draw a blank. I get a (read: zillion) free newspaper every morning at work, and yet I pay a newspaper man to fling a rolled up newspaper into my balcony every morning. Why? So that I feel guilty enough about having spent the money to buy it, and READ.

What this post is about:

And so it happened that when I was reading the newspaper on my way to work one fine day, an article caught my attention. Something I made a mental note to do, so the power of retention issue wasn't (as much of) a problem here. I put the paper away and got on with my daily work.

Then, I wanted to look for that article to make sure I remembered the date and time.

Scan, scan, scan.

Scan, scan, scan some more.

DAMN, I WISH I HAD CTRL+F !

After much hunting, I finally found what I was looking for.


But tell me this - has that happened to you? When you read off a paper, books, and/or other hard copies? Particularly when your job involves one little click of the mouse or buzz of fingers over the keyboard and voila, there's the answer floating right in front of your eyes?! Just like magic. You want to be computer about everything you do. That's 'cause life's easy on the computer! Swell.

Of late, I've begun to feel like my brain has stopped functioning properly. (Remember my earlier mention of powers of retention?). Why do you think that is? Simply because my brain doesn't really have to make the effort. At all. I could relate to this Abtruse Goose comic - very strongly. Machines and devices get faster, we get slower. I think of the Terminator movie series. (One of the things I still remember because it's long lodged in my long term memory). And then of predictions of the world ending on 2012.

Maybe it's time to do something when you get to the point where you feel like you need THAT CONTROL PLUS F !

Only You.

Only you

Can catch my eye in a crowd
Holding me captive for those seconds

Say you have two left feet
So you can watch me dance

Are up for a holiday no matter when
And wake me up to watch the sunrise

Hold my hand to cross the road
Or just like that

Can look at me smiling
And know I'm troubled

Listen to my rants and complaints
Then tell me the funniest thing

Make me feel like there's so much I can do
But also that there's so much I don't know

See my talent, see yours
And blend it together in fun

Only you.

Sun-dried towel.

Nothing like a sun-dried towel
Crisp from soaking up the sun
Dry as baked earth
Smelling of the breeze
That ruffled it as it went past.

O sun-dried towel
As you touch my skin
And soak away the stress
In tired droplets of water
I smile.

I smile, as the roughness
Feels warm against my skin
Soft and exfoliant
Giving me fresh life
Nothing like a sun-dried towel.

Of New Year Resolutions.

Last year, after having spent a horrendous amount of time (3 years!!!) away from reading, or reading a maximum of a book a year, or even half a book a year, I decided at the start of 2011 that I would read, read, read this year. I managed to achieve that, albeit because I was caught off guard and thrown into a situation that I didn't anticipate. Still, it took conscious effort with all the traveling and work and other crazy events of the year. The books I read this year after zero reading in three years:

- To Kill A Mockingbird, Harper Lee
- Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Richard Bach
- Lord of the Flies, William Goldberg
- White Fang, Jack London
- Shantaram, Gregory David Roberts
- Red, Irwin Allan Sealy
- Immortals of Meluha, Amish
- The secret of the Nagas, Amish
- DORK: The Incredible Adventures of Robin Einstein Verghese, Sidin Vadukut
- Cloud 9 Minus One, S.P. Kumar
- Neverwhere, Neil Gaiman
- A Passage to India, E. M. Forster
- Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman: Twenty-four Stories, Haruki Murakami

Half read:

- Vanity Fair, William Makepeace Thackeray

Currently reading:

- On the Road, Jack Kerouac

That's approximately a book a month! Yay! :) I now have a bunch of books lined up for some good alone-time and I like the feeling of being back to reading so much, that I'm going to make it a habit.

I want to keep this up along with making 2012 the year of being the "Exercise Addict" once again. I suppose new year resolutions can work. :)

*The Dirty Picture* and the message I see

Many people I spoke to didn't like this film because of the layers of fat displayed by Vidya Balan.

"If you're on screen, you better have a perfect body!"

...was the common contention.

Apart from the fact that Vidya Balan was playing the role of a "fat South Indian (stereotype) heroine" perfectly, it surely took a lot of courage to show that much flab when the world balks and gawks at flab as though all people around are size zero. I, personally, am glad that for whatever it's worth, this movie has broken away from the stereotype in many ways. Particularly when the market that the film is catering to is the regular (and may I add, massive!) adult Bollywood audience, I'd say she has shown more guts than flab.

After all, isn't beauty in the eyes of the beholder? And, this perception changes with time too (remember voluptuous meant beautiful in the Victorian era?). I'd have been outcast as the ugliest thing alive if I'd been born then. :D I hope that with this movie begins a new generation of film that allows people to develop the sense to accept themselves the way they are and be comfortable in their own skin.

At the end of the day, it shouldn't matter if you're fat or thin, dark or fair, short or tall, as long as you are comfortable with yourself and you dress right - that is, pick colours and cuts to suit your body type.

Be comfortable!

I'm back.

Hi!

How are you doing today? I just wanted to let you know, I'm back. Back, stuck, getting unstuck, planning to get stuck. And "stuck" here doesn't always hold a negative connotation.

You know?

Haha, well I don't. But I'm waiting to find out!

P.S. - It has been more books, more inspiration and a little bit of looking from above. Cool will return. :)

The Return

I returned, refreshed. Very refreshed. And with a few new perspectives tucked up the sleeve. Grown up some? Yes. But the truth is, I am a lot more inspired now than ever before. Inspired to begin again, inspired to jump the gun, take the plunge, take a risk, get a life. Sort of the oxymoron to being grown up, in a sense.

I'd like to say just you watch. Wait and watch. Because I am done waiting. It is time for action, and action it shall be! I'm getting my act together, one brisk step at a time. Moving fast. A little falling here and there is bound to be. I'm all geared, with a first aid kit. I am ready to rock and roll, baby. This means more reading, more writing, more crazy "how the hell did you manage to do that???" stuff. Comin' up shortly.

I now also do believe, two heads are better than one! :)

Disconnected?

Someone I was having dinner with today, and was also away from home and in California and had been away for a week asked me how long I was going to be here. When I said until September, she gasped and said - OMG, I would hate to be you! Don't you miss home? I've been here for just a week, and I already want to go back!

I had to think about that one. I'd have to say no... I don't.

What I mean is, I miss my family, my dog, the boy, my friends and everyone back in India, sure. But... I also feel so disconnected, like I could be anywhere alone. For the social creature that I am, it's saying something. I guess I'm just that comfortable anywhere, and I'd probably much rather have company I want to have, no matter where it is.

But I can wear any skin and call it mine. Some people call it confused. I call it versatile. It's not that I don't care... it's simply that I can just be.

Coffee shop girl

Before.

You see her sitting near the window, in the filtered-in sunlight. Part of her hair is lighter from the sun, and when she looks up, her brown eyes, one of them looks hazel under the sun. Her chai sits a little distance from her at the table, and she takes an occasional sip. She looks down at the books she has in her lap and on the table, one that she was reading, but put down because something caught her attention. She's pulling out another book now, and a stub of a wooden pencil, and she starts to sketch. The sketch looks like nothing that meets your eye, yet it looks like she's enjoying what she's doing, and you can tell that the end product will look good.

After.

She sits alone at a restaurant now, in the sunlight near the window. Thinking. Picking the sushi from the plate in front of her with chopsticks and chewing it slowly as she keeps staring out of the window and at nothing. A part of her is inspired to be the same person, with the same freedom to express at will through any medium. Now all she has is her thoughts, and a hope that she will get back to being able to do all the things she used to do.

Before.

She finished the sketch. Maybe it was inspired by something she'd seen when she'd looked up. It was a sketch symbolic of how empty she might be if she hadn't had her freedom of expression.

Reminiscing

Yesterday roomie K and I were bonding over the music that defined us in college: "Back in Bangalore when we were yeng and happy" :P

They were the songs that played at every club and restaurant then, and more importantly - at every college fest! Some of the non-rock stuff we heard often or listened to (because you know, we were like, the cool chicks who listened to rock) and loved included -

Jamelia, Superstar: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPQ_PnRPOXw

Beyonce, Crazy in Love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ViwtNLUqkMY

Kylie Minogue, Can't get you outa my head, Come into my world:

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c18441Eh_WE

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63vqob-MljQ

Nelly ft. Kelly Rowland, Dilemma: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WYHDfJDPDc

Ja Rule ft. Ashanti, Always on time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tcDXJfAFVw

Jennifer Lopez, Waiting for tonight, Ain't it funny, Jenny from the block (yummy Ben Affleck!):

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_66jPJVS4JE

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tr-H8dR0HLo&feature=related

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dly6p4Fu5TE

Jamirpquoi, Love Foolosophy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMk1wBPiUIo

Safri Duo, Played A Live: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35KLBpSpIfg

David Guetta, Love don't let me go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WA9NXXAntc

Justin Timberlake, Girlfriend: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxCbz3qE1JI

Avril Lavigne (remember what she used to be like?), Complicated, I'm with you:

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NPBIwQyPWE

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYunO8SZe30

Fatboy Slim, Lazy (can't find original! :( You can hear the song I'm talking about for 5 seconds at the start), Weapon of choice, Push the tempo:

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NU2ARzCIT3s

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0PWnLmlHZM&feature=related

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=so9DBHCo64Q&feature=related

Chemical Brothers, Do it again: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVrwzjtBHq0

Enrique Iglesias, Escape, Love to see you cry:

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mQJaXwGPlg

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LIrYVfjmhc&feature=related

Craig David, Whats your flava: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHvLmtKRGFc

Sigh........ :) Nostalgic?

I also think that there is very, very little singing talent in today's music. And too little variety.

The "Rocker chick" in me says "What happened to all the rock? Where is it?" There were so many good bands with GOOD music then - Creed, Alter Bridge, Pearl Jam, Nickelback, Alice in Chains, Matchbox Twenty, Puddle of Mudd and tons more ...don't you think?

Let me know if you can think of any more and find any more of the late 1900's - early 2000's era songs :)

Mannnnn :) Loved the music then!

You know you need more sleep when...

~ Takes a wad of cotton
~ Puts a little moisturiser on it
~ Rubs off the kaajal
~ Rubs, rubs, it doesn't come off

Oh wait. That's dark circles! :|

Oh yeah?

What?

:P

Nightmare

Sometimes I have these nightmares, but I'm wide awake. I see a future that's not yet here but still so real and so close. I'm numbed into silence and wonder, I'm growing yonder, towards this vision.

I hope that it doesn't come true, I'm already half ashamed. That in my heart I hold in me the half-sadistic desire. I can hear glass shattering.

And I wake up, and I'm right in the middle of the nightmare.

Little Star

Dedicated to my little star. Congrats and lots of love!

Little star shining bright
You give us hopes and dreams
Little star, so proud you make
Us all and you inspire!

In the time when things were grey
And mist and dust and fire
You sat and worked and worked your way
To shooting high and far

Twinkle in the eye from tears
And hope and confidence alive
Now we learn, we learn from you
The key is persistence and strife

Little star you shine so bright
I'm oh-so-proud tonight
Tomorrow you will light the sky
And be that twinkle in my eye.

Dealings in money

Person: Are you planning to buy a car?
Me: No, a hovercraft.
Person: ?
Me: By the time I can afford a car.... there will only be hovercrafts :|